Explaining Death to a Three-Year-Old

What I Told My Daughter When Her Nana Died

My Mother, best friend and confidant, died suddenly on New Year’s Day, and it is the worst thing I’ve experienced in my whole life. Even as I write this, my heart aches because this is the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to my Mother and checking in with her. As I talk with others, I keep using the term “new normal,” but it never feels like I will get used to it.

However, writing is helping me process.

My Mother was the biggest supporter of all of my work, as well as everything else that I decided to put my mind to. She loved hearing about what I was creating and who I was supporting. She was the greatest love I’ve ever known, and the world will forever feel empty without her inside of it. I will continue to honor her and her love in all that I do.

So, to calm my nervous system and maybe help someone else along on their grief journey, I want to share a few things I did to help talk my daughter through the death of her best friend, my Mama.

Since having my daughter, my Mother was her primary caregiver outside of my husband and me. If we needed a last-minute sitter, we called her. If we were going out of town for a day or two, it meant a sleepover at Nana’s. (We are so grateful for my MIL, who holds us down, cares for our daughter, and supports us in countless ways, but outside of me, my Mom spent the most time with my daughter.) So when my Mom died, of course I grieved for myself and for us, but honestly, I think I cried hardest for the relationship they had together.

Before having the conversation with my daughter about Nana, I connected with my daughter’s preschool to first and foremost let them know what had taken place. Their response was confirmation that we chose her preschool correctly. Her director showed up at my door to hand-deliver books to support me as I talked to my daughter about what happened. They have also done so much to support my daughter as she transitioned back to the classroom with school starting this week. I am forever grateful for the care and love that they have shown our family and for being a part of such a loving community.

I was also able to check in with my own therapist as well as a few other therapist friends to practice the conversation, read the book together, and talk through any anxiety I was feeling beforehand. It was such a release for me, and I felt much more confident going into the conversation with my daughter.

Here’s what I’m doing to talk with my daughter about death:

1. I named what happened clearly.
There are a lot of thoughts on how to talk to children about death. I’m using simple, honest language. Much to some people’s opposition, my husband and I chose to say the word “died” and not choose phrases that could scare or confuse our daughter, like “went to sleep” or “passed away”. As I advocate for people to be honest with children about a ton of topics, this is no different.

Here is the script that we used:

“Mommy has something sad to share with you. Nana’s body was very, very sick, and the Doctors tried to help her, but Nana died. When someone dies, that means that their body has stopped working.

We can’t see her, talk to her, or play with her anymore; her body is gone, but we know that she loved us, and if we miss her, we can look at pictures or videos, and we can talk about her to remember her together. Nana loved us so much; she is in heaven now, and we will carry her memory in our hearts.”

My daughter took this script really well, and we continue to share parts of it as questions come up for her. Also, you can always decide how you want your script to flow. This is what worked for us, but everyone has different beliefs. Just make sure to tailor your response to what works for your family.

2. I’m holding space for her to keep asking questions (even if they’re the same ones).
This is one of the hard parts. I’m answering the same questions over and over without rushing her. I know repetition is how a three-year-old makes sense of something this big. It’s hard for me and the grownups around me, but I know it is a necessary part of the grief process.

3. I’m talking about how we keep my Mom’s memory alive.
I’m reminding her that even though Nana died, our love for her didn’t disappear. We can still talk about her. We can look at pictures. We can watch videos. We can tell stories and say her name out loud.

4. I’m allowing every feeling (and the absence of feelings).
You cannot tell people how to grieve, not even children. If there are tears from anyone, we sit with them. If there’s play or laughter right after, that’s okay too. No one knows how they’re going to respond to something so shocking, and it’s not for me to decide how she, or anyone else, should feel.

5. I’m reminding her that we are here to love her and care for her.
I’m reminding her who is still here for her, who loves her, and how she is cared for. This is helpful for young children, especially when so much feels confusing and out of their control.

My daughter responded really well to the conversation initially. After I told her and we read the book Goodbye (the First Conversations Book Linked Below), she wanted to have a dance party, and we danced around our living room. Honestly, this eased a lot of my anxiety and fear about telling her.

We are still processing every day as she navigates how final death is. She will walk up to people and say, “Do you know Nana died?” which is heartbreaking for the adults around us and for me. But it’s helping her make sense of a world without her favorite person. We will continue to process as we figure out what comes next for each of us.

Continue the Conversation: Supporting Materials for Children:

Goodbye: A First Conversation About Grief by Dr. Megan Madison and Jessica Ralli
As with all of the books in the First Conversations series, this book was a fantastic tool for my three-year-old and for me as I continue to process the death of my Mother. It is clear, honest, and thoughtfully written. I’ve already purchased several copies to share with the adults (and children) in my life. You should grab one too!

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
This book came highly recommended by my daughter’s preschool director and several therapists I know and trust. I appreciate how it offers a gentle way to talk about connection and love continuing, even when someone is no longer physically here.

Helping Toddlers Cope with Grief and Death: This article was helpful for me as I drafted my script. It also has a few thoughts on continuing the conversation.

So where do we go from here?

As I grieve the loss of my Mother, I know that there is comfort for me in writing and creating as a way to process what I’m navigating.

I don’t have the answers for how we will continue to figure this out. We are taking everything day by day and minute by minute. If you’re navigating death and grief in any way, I see you. I’m with you. I love you. Thank you for being here through it all and for holding me with so much care and support.

One step at a time.

Talk soon,

Dr. Jasmine